The Spark

The hard drive on my work laptop crashed the other day.  And I laughed.

For the not-so-computer savvy, that means that the information stored on the computer was lost.  ALL of it.  In essence, it committed suicide.

It probably could have happened at a worse time, but I'd be hard pressed to say what that might be.  For the last three months, I have been involved in a major data warehouse project, dealing with a hundred or so users in various states of rage or panic since the application they used to access business information was turned off, and working frantically to meet an ever growing list of demands for various reports.  Support for the previous database is being discontinued at the end of this month, so it all has to be done by Friday.  ALL of it.  By THIS Friday.

This type of situation would normally elicit my standard response:  a loud, venomous, profane rampage.  But, instead, I laughed.

I may not be the brightest bulb in the pack, but I know a hard "STOP" sign when I see one.

I've been ranting and raving about how I wasn't happy with my job for quite a while, but always with the caveat about how bad the economy is and how I was just grateful to have a job.  Still, I felt that there was an ever-growing work load expected to be completed in an ever-shrinking time frame and with a dwindling recognition either in the form of a verbal "atta-boy" or a little more deposited into my bank account each payday -- a drawback to being salaried is you get to work all the hours you want or need for exactly the same pay.  Taking time off from work only meant that much more piling up and waiting for my return, so "relaxing" on vacation always came with a price.

And like so many others I know, I never seem to have a moment for much of anything outside the normal, day-to-day drudgery:  feed the dog, pay bills, mow the lawn, fix the kitchen faucet, cook, eat, wash dishes, do laundry, grocery shop, vacuum, dust, mop, clean out the fridge, take out the trash, change sheets, watch some TV, sleep; repeat.  Complaining all the way, of course.

 I was constantly frustrated over work.  And the never-ending, always growing, often-repetitious list of things that "had" to be done around the house.  Watching my savings account finally begin to build up, only to have another "crisis" force me to drain it again.  Taking the dog for a walk was supposed to help relieve the stress, but I'd come back thinking how much time I'd "wasted" going around the block. I was not only in a rut, but digging deeper every day.

So when this ill-timed, unexpected reprieve from work showed up, I was taken by surprise.  What to do until I could get the laptop replaced?

A funny thing happened on the way to goofing off the rest of the day.  I stepped out on my back deck, felt the warmth of the sun, a cool, gentle breeze, and a sudden wave of peace.

How ridiculous my life had become. How much of this stuff really mattered?  Where were the things I liked...no, loved to do?  Why was I so busy with things I didn't enjoy; with things that had no real value to me or anyone I cared for?

Suddenly, I thought about the earlier me.  This guy didn't have to set an alarm clock.  He shot out of bed like a bottle rocket, ready to storm the walls every day.  He was new to the computer industry, and loved everything about it.  He ran marathons, loved, laughed, and even sky-dived, for crying out loud!  When, where, why, and how did I ever lose that guy?

Turns out, those questions weren't that difficult to answer.  I had, over the course of several decades, decided to simply go along with the flow, choosing the path of least resistance, and essentially surrendering joy and happiness without even realizing it.  As long as I could maintain the status quo, not making any waves or rocking any boats, keep a low profile, and stay out of trouble, then all would be well and I would have a normal life.  A normal, boring, tedious life.  But is that really the kind of life I want?

Of course not.  And with that thought, that little dying ember that was buried deep inside me caught a breath of air enough to spark into the flicker of a flame.  Why not live my life with the joy and enthusiasm I'd had before?  Why get caught up in all the busy-ness of a mundane, day-to-day existence instead of really squeezing each moment for every drop of pleasure I could wring out of it?

So,  I'm done buying into the 24-hour a day negativity the news media spews.  You can have "reality" where the game is to lie, cheat, steal, and back-stab your way to being America's Biggest Idle Loser.  That's not how I want to think, act, or feel.

I did something yesterday that I haven't done for a long time.  I spent the day being happy.  And I'm doing it again today. I'm just stopping to take an occasional five minutes off the merry-go-round to see, hear, and feel the miracle of the world around me.

I'm nursing this little flame, and I'm going to try growing it daily.  Let's see if I can rebuild this life into a bonfire.

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